My last post for 2007. What should I write about? I've posted only a handful this year, and I want to make this last post of the year a good one.
Okay, I thought this would be special: December 31st, and being 12noon, I've got just 12 more hours to remember 2007. Not that I want to remember ALL of it--the year, I mean. Honestly, it's truly been one HELL of a year: 12 months of highs and lows that have both drowned me, and resuscitated me--during the same boat trip, too. I won't bore you with the details, but for those of you who know me, you know that there are many things about 2007 that I DON'T want to remember. And...with that said,
On the upside, I wanted to share with you my most precious gift of 2007.
No, it wasn't finding out I was pregnant on February 14th, and telling my family during my trip home shortly after. It wasn't the unwedding party we had with both my family and Ahsan's at Ali Baba's on May 20th (our original wedding day, but that never took place). And no, it wasn't the actual day Ahsan and I made a split decision to tie the knot by paperwork on July 9th, in the best interest of our baby, who was then yet to be born.
The most precious gift was given to me on October 11th, at 4:15am, after 9 hours of pushing from head to toe, and even begging the doc to cut me open (C-style, that is..) Voila: baby Ayden was born.
I remember in a flash moment, both lips and fingers were covered in blood from kissing this screaming, naked thing, moving on my chest--thanks to the nurses--still attached by umbellical chord and the placenta, which was still deflated inside my womb. Ahsan, behind me, smiling and having to hold my head up (my body was so flacid and weak from going med-free, au naturel..) And there was my mom, in awe (or stunned, if I remember her face correctly), managing to capture this precious picture with unbelievable steadiness.
This was my most precious gift: life. A life given to me--whether by mistake or intention, I am certainly blessed, and if only words could express how wonderful it is to see a little piece of yourself looking back, and smiling at you, everyday. For this, I would go through labor 9,999 more times.
So I was watching Oprah the other day (syndicated reruns, how nice) and fell upon them talking about The Secret, which sort of hooked me from the beginning. You have to check it out, because it turned my negative thinking into a new attitude, and a kind of positive enlightenment suddenly took over. Check it out and you'll know what I mean.
I started to think about what I was grateful for, what God has given me, and that I need to forgive in order to move on. And believe me, I never thought I could forgive those things, events, or people that I was focusing on, nearly killing myself over, agonizing because my life wasn't going as planned, because I didn't have control or because I felt I was just stringing along and observing life's events instead of participating in them. It is amazing when you realize that you do have control, and you can make changes. So I've decided to start the new year on the right foot, and that means, with a new motto and new thinking.
Perhaps you can call me an idealist.
The other night, I was up late, trying to get Ayden to sleep: 2am rolled around and he didn't want to do with any sleeping, at all! It wasn't working--rocking him, singing to him, or putting him in the swing/slider. I just realized that I was all out of breast milk, and I needed to pump more--quickly. Well, the little tyke wanted ,우유 (milk) pronto, and I couldn't express fast enough. So in a fury, I got up to make him formula, nearly tripping over Ahsan who was fast asleep on our heated floor--and then it dawned on me. I've got to make more milk! And not just in the literal sense. Sure, I need to up the pumping to have more supply at hand, but then I got to thinking about what that Oprah segment was all about--creating what we want out of life. I'm a glutton for self-help, I suppose. So I went on a rampage and realized in my thinking, that make more milk is precisely creating what I want out of life. And what I really wanted was to create more, do more, feel more, act more, be more.
Milk is to a baby as ... what? You wanted me to finish the analogy for you? It's exactly what you want it to be. And that's the secret I found out.
Make more milk. I wonder if I should start a new line of journals called that? Journaling is your ticket to psychological freedom. lol. That would be a winner indeed!
So for the time being, I'll start the year 2008 with a smile for myself, a positive attitude for Ahsan, and my darling Ayden on my hip (and breast pump machine in tow so I can make more milk!)
Happy New Year everyone!!
~ Chelsea, Ahsan and baby Ayden