Thursday, October 13, 2005

Finding what I've been looking for.. or maybe not?

I really liked Busan. It's a beautiful place, actually. The 덩헤 (Dong-Hae) Sea sprinkling it's refreshing wind throughout the streets-- makes the Eastern coast city a place to go visit often, if not, to live there. I think what I miss the most is being near water. Living in Bremerton, where the Navy town has always been surrounded by water--inlets, small straits, and mini gulfs; or back in Louisiana, where I spent the greater part of the last 3 years, where just down the road from my folks' bar stood the muddy yet relaxing Red river...this, combined with swimming competitively for nearly 5 or 6 years, makes me long to be near water. I guess you could call me Watergirl (And no, I'm not referring to the movie, Waterboy with Adam Sandler!)

Being here in Daegu, I'm surrounded by mountains--or what one would call, miniature mountains. I like the idea of being able to take a bus to Keoung Ju and visit Monasteries, or go hiking at Mt. Gatbawi--but I have to admit I miss driving to the nearest inlet (like back home) and watching the waves pile into the shore.

I wonder also if I've really found what I've been looking for. I've always been one for an adventure--changing my life competely by moving to another country, and being forced to learn their language, culture, foods and way of life~ is something I'm not stranger to. In fact, I think I thrive in these types of environments. However, since my birthay (Oct 2), and the thought of physically turning 27 has made me think conscientiously about my pilgrim behavior, my endless wanderings, traveling the planet.. but in search for what?

Perhaps why I've raised this question is because I found out my cousin, Amber, is pregnant with child number 2 (I just found this out recently...) And 21 weeks along, too! I'm so very excited for her, but I'm also saddened that I will be spending yet another year apart from seeing her belly grow, witness how her mood changes, or simply to get to know her again---perhaps as when we were younger and very close---but alas, I am here in Korea, and I'll miss again seeing her give birth to her second boy. Heck, I've already missed for the most part, the last few years she concieved and gave birth to her first boy, as he's already 2 (or so?). Time flies, and I sometimes feel I'm on this endless search for something greater, something better, something more interesting..

When all it boils down to is the experience, right? I'll always have memories of Switzerland. Of my past relationships. Of my school days. Perhaps they'll fade. But the point is, this is a part of life. Those memories may fade, and dwindle---so is the present more important than those memories we hold onto? What about what the future will hold?

I've always hung onto those memories, sometimes living vicariously through them on a near day-to-day basis. So I think about my past, quite often. And what I do, where I live, is always aiming for the future. I'm living for the future, preparing for the future... meanwhile, thinking about my past, living through my past. So, where does the present play in all of this?

Can you see how confusing all of this could be?

I don't want to miss another marriage or pregnancy because I'm off in some distant-country, stuck thinking about my past and living/preparing for the future. I want to live in the present, once and for all!

And sometimes, what we're all searching for---happiness, something greater, something different or better... is sometimes, sometimes, right at home.
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